


Keep Coming Back, It Works.

by TT_Angst_Queen



Series: New Beginnings [7]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Episode: s15e01 House Divided, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Paraguay, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 17:43:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13862688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TT_Angst_Queen/pseuds/TT_Angst_Queen
Summary: Gibbs has his first appointment with Grace, and they talk about things that Gibbs has to realize in order to start to heal.





	Keep Coming Back, It Works.

Gibbs shifted uncomfortably on the fluffy couch in Grace’s office. He didn’t want to be here-no. That wasn’t true. He didn’t like being here, but he wanted to because he needed to be; if he wasn’t here, he would have to leave Tony and Tali, and couldn’t stand that. That man and his little girl were as close to his heart as Shannon and Kelly had been, and he couldn’t stand it if he lost his family a second time. It would destroy him, would break him- more than he was already broken.

 

Tony was waiting outside the office, just in case Jethro wanted the younger man with him. Tali was with Betty again, the older woman giving Jethro a pat on the cheek and a smile, before telling him that talking would do him good. Betty had said that before her husband had passed, he was a veteran of WW2, and had returned from war with PTSD that back in the day, they called Shell-shock, and there was no head shrinker for it. So they had talked to each other, and it had helped him, but not enough; he had taken his life ten years later, after the war, a note that said he just couldn’t take it anymore, and that he loved her, but he couldn’t stay. Betty had given Jethro a small smile and told him that if there had been proper treatment and understanding of her husband's condition, he might have been still alive.

 

Betty’s story had given him food for thought, and Jethro knew that if he didn’t get help, he could very well end up just like Betty’s lost love.

 

“Whenever you’re ready, Popeye.” Grace’s words snapped him out of his funk, and he flinched, hand reaching for a gun that he no longer carried until he was cleared for duty.

 

Grace noticed the move, but pretended not too, Jethro could see she did, though, and it made him flush.

 

“It’s ok, Jethro,” Grace said, uncharacteristically gentle. “It’s perfectly normal for-”

 

“Someone with PTSD, I know.” Gibbs snapped, before taking a breath. “Sorry, I’m just-”

 

“Nervous,” Grace nodded. “I get it.”

 

Gibbs shook his head, jaw clenched. “No, you really don’t,” Jethro said, eyes dark. “You have no _clue_ what I’m going through, you probably never will. You work in a cushy office, you don’t put yourself in danger and risk your life every single day of the week.”

 

Grace tilted her head in acknowledgment of that. “No, I can’t know what you’re going through, what you’re feeling, or have felt. However, I have treated more than my fair share of soldiers with PTSD, Popeye. They seem to be doing alright. But they are only alright because they came here for help, and they talked, and I gave them that help.”

 

Looking around the office, avoiding Grace’s piercing stare, Gibbs took in the rather plain but still homey office. The last time Gibbs had been here, he hadn’t taken time to really take in the decor, wanting to get out of the office as fast as he could. This time, he took it in, sort of. He was trying to avoid talking, but he knew Grace wouldn’t accept it for long.

 

“Jethro.” Grace sighed.

 

“I thought we weren’t going to get out of there alive,” Gibbs said, his voice quiet, but still audible in the even quieter room.

 

“You didn’t think you’re team would find you?” Grace asked, writing a few things on her pad.

 

“I-” Gibbs hesitated. “I trust my team. I do, but-” Gibbs looked down, guilt flashing on his face. “They were two men down, two of the best of the team-”

 

“So you don’t think the rest of your team can do their jobs as well as you and McGee?” Grace asked eyebrow raised.

 

“N-no, that’s, that’s not what I-” Gibbs huffed. “I just meant that they-they don’t have as much experience as Tim and I, and I just… I-”

 

“You gave up. You were tired.” Grace made a few more notes and looked at him. “You were ready to throw in the towel; a lifetime of pain and suffering, you didn’t want to deal with it all any longer.”

 

“Yeah…” Gibbs whispered. “Yeah I- The plan, the escape plan was more for Tim, give him hope; to pass the time. Tim had a wife and unborn children to go home to, and me-”

 

“You had no-one,” Grace stated. “So you gave Tim false hope, while silently resigning himself to your fate.”

 

“It wasn’t false; not for him. I knew Tim would make it,” Gibbs remembered giving Tim half his food, secretly giving him half of his while Tim wasn’t looking, the young man too tired and hungry to notice that Gibbs was starving himself while Tim ate half of Gibbs’ share. Gibbs knew that when they came home, and Tim had seen Gibbs’ thin and bony body upon the medical exam… Tim had known. He didn’t like it, But he knew, and he understood and appreciated it.

 

“I knew Tim would make it, but not… not me.”  Gibbs winced.

 

“So you gave up because you had nothing to live for.” It wasn’t a question.

 

“Yeah, but now I do; I have Tony and Tali… I should be happy, and I am- sometimes. But most of the time… I’m not.” Gibbs gritted his teeth, his eyes angry. “And I don’t understand why. I should be happy all the time!” Gibbs snapped. “And I don’t get it!”

 

“You gave up.”

 

“What?” Gibbs snapped, glaring at Grace, who just stared at him steadily.

 

“You gave up on living, Jethro. That leaves a scar behind, even if you live through it.” leaning forward, she made sure he was looking at her before she continued.

 

“You were ready to die, Gibbs. You had prepared yourself, said goodbye to everyone, even if it was in your own head. Some part of you is still back in Paraguay, Gibbs. Some part of you is still ready and prepared to die. You didn’t expect to live, and the part of yourself you left behind still believes that the other shoe will drop, and what you have won’t last or will be taken away, by whose death, yours, or your new families, maybe both. Maybe not by death, maybe you think they’ll walk away. But years of expecting and receiving the worst,” Grace sighed. “This was just the last straw, Popeye. You were ready, and when your expectations weren’t met, you thought that it would happen eventually.”

 

“So can I fix it?” Gibbs asked tiredly.

 

“Well, Popeye,” Grace said. “That’s up to you,”

 

“Either you talk to me, go to meetings, talk to your lover, and do whatever myself and your doctor tells you,”

 

Grace sat back and made a few notes.

 

“Or you fully give up.”

 

“Never!” Gibbes snapped, and Grace smiled.

 

“Then we have a big journey ahead of us, Popeye.”

 

Gibbs smiled hesitantly back.


End file.
